Thursday, October 4, 2012

not made for here.

I got a hard phone call yesterday morning. My dad called to tell me that my grandmother had passed away.

When you're in "the real world" (I was at work), and you receive news of the death of a loved one, you really just expect or maybe hope that everything and everyone else around you will somewhat just "fit" the mood that you're suddenly in. I took a moment to go to my car and cry and talk to Harris. When I came back, all I wanted was for everyone to speak calmly and to not be peppy or even cordial: "Good morning, how are you?" "Good, how are you?" "Good!" Nope. Not today. I don't want to answer that overused, yet doesn't really mean more than, "I'm acknowledging you respectfully"question today. I simply want to be left alone and to finish out my day.

It's hard when you're faced with loss. There are so many factors that play into the loss of a loved one. Nobody ever knows what to say to you. Nobody can relate to you because every relationship is different, so the loss of someone is extremely personal, just as personal as the relationship was. Nobody can ever know exactly what you lost. They get that it's "hard", but that's about it.

So I don't blame anyone for going about their day like any other routine day. Again, that's just one of the dynamics that nobody can understand. The world would be a sad place if everyone was sad when you are sad, if everyone went through life tiptoeing around the person who is suffering. Maybe that's a gift we've been given, that others distract us by going on with their mundane activities and being in a good mood.

I remembered the quote from a book I read, Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis:
"If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world."
One of my (and I know many other people's) greatest desires would be that nobody that I love would suffer or ever have to be separated from one another forever. That is clearly what C.S. Lewis was writing about. I was made for Heaven. I was made for a place where I can never be separated from the souls of those I love or ever experience sadness or weeping. I don't even know the right words to comfort myself, let alone anyone else going through loss, but I do know that the peace that comes from knowing my final destination that includes my Savior and the others I love, is more than good enough for now.

When the Lord asks me to come home, I'll see you there, Grandma.

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