Tuesday, December 4, 2012

my silly mental scoreboard.

Sometimes I catch myself keeping a mental tally of the chores, errands, or kind things I've done around the house or for Harris on any given day. It's not like I keep a mental record for weeks on end, I just find myself watching how many chores I do or how many sweet gestures I do for him that day.

So I'm not THAT bad, right?  (sarcasm)

When I'm extra holy, I don't really expect him to do anything in return. When I'm extra selfish (or maybe extra human), I instantly notice that he is not as eager to jump up and serve me in return or help me exactly how I hope that he would in that moment. Gross. What is that attitude?!

Shamefully, I allow this unspoken balance to creep into my feelings and mood. I become quiet and somewhat disappointed that he does not have the same level of energy, drive to clean, or peppy, encouraging attitude as I do that day. I'm just being honest. As much as I wish I weren't that way, I am, and I'm working on it.

Some days Harris has more energy and finds different ways to help me out around the house or with errands. Some days I have that 'cleaning drive' that just inspires me to get things organized and squeaky clean around the house. Some days Harris has a full tank and encourages me in many many ways. Some days I have more of a spiritual drive and can help us focus our attention on the Lord.

I have to remind myself, mentally at this point (and hopefully it will happen instinctively in the future), that we aren't going to serve each other exactly at the same rate or in the same ways each day. It's sad that I would even think it should or would happen that way to begin with!
I think it comes down to my genuine belief that Harris loves me with his whole heart and that he has the best intentions to serve me and care for me. My human nature that is ugly, self-serving, and determined to have it my way, often gets in the way. I'm just in the process of training it to not keep those mental checklists, to serve wholeheartedly, and also to believe the very best in the best man I know.

All of you older and wiser married men and women probably have this figured out and are laughing at my youthful, newly-married ways, but this is where I am a year in. I know the Lord has a long road of lessons to teach me through marriage and I am so excited and grateful to be sitting at His feet learning.

Forgive me, Lord (and Harris) when I fail.

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