To every girlfriend I have ever had,
First, I want to completely empathize with you and say that I can totally understand that feeling. I have SO often been in that place of feeling pride over one thing the first minute, and then comeplete shame over it the next. Whatever the thought is, "At least I'm not treating my husband that way. I sure am balancing my life well. I would never do that." all the way to the other end of, "I hate the way my body looks. I'm getting old, and it shows. I can't make a home like she does! I'm just average." It is a frustrating back-and-forth of our minds. We are in a battle between the renewed mind that we are constantly receiving from Christ and our sin nature.
Next, all I have to say is that you're not a "twisted sinner" because you face these dichotomous thoughts and feelings, you are a sinner. That is what sin nature is.. twisted. It is twisted in exactly the way you are experiencing it.
Ultimately, the imbalance between feeling pride in one moment and insecurity the next screams of a stronghold that satan has on you and me. You are looking to others, like we all do at some time or another, for approval, disapproval, validation, judgement, comparison, etc.
Comparison will absolutely steal your joy. You will never be like anyone else, sweet friend. God created you that way, thankfully! He gave you SO many good gifts. People DO judge you. I'll tell you that right now. They do. That's what is going to happen in this world. You judge other people. This is part of the battle of our sin nature.
Our focus should be elsewhere than on ourselves. If we can manage that, the beauty that IS there will fall into place and we will effortlessly exude the glory that is within us, the Holy Spirit. You are SO beautiful. You are SO loved.. by God and by others. I mean, LOOK at the loved ones in your life. They are choosing YOU. They are loving YOU. So, not only can you be fulfilled by the ultimate and only source we need, our Father in Heaven, He also gave you the added blessing of being connected to others who love you for you.
I'm with you. I have to check my attitude at every door I walk into. I have to tweak my thoughts every morning, afternoon, and evening no matter where I am. It's okay to work on fitness, spend time doing your hair and dressing in a way that makes you feel good. It's not okay to let your thoughts take over and cause you to lose sight of whose you are. Satan loves when that happens.
"Finally, [sisters], whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things." (Philippians 4:8)
I love you more than words.
Run fast and hard towards your Savior. He will tell you who you really are.