This Mother's Day was sweet. We enjoyed a fun, beautiful Sunday together and, at this age, I know that's just about all you really knew about the day. There is, however, so much more I want you to know about mother's day. It's also Father's day.
Let me explain:
Before I had you, I dreamed about all of the wonderful adventures we would share together. I could really imagine your little baby waddle with stubby feet coming towards me excitedly. I could just picture moments of watching you grow and learn, and it was all beautiful. I selfishly dreamed about what I would get from the blessing of having you.
Despite being coached by those whom had walked the parenthood path before me, I lacked the capacity to understand the non-stop needs, the smells, the antics, the sin nature to the extent that I do today - and you're only one and a half. The selfishness I had about what I'd gain from having you was definitely muted by some of the many challenges that parenting brings.
In my elementary stage of parenthood,
I have taken steps of bravery I never thought possible.
[Killed a spider or two that I thought might get to you.]
I have searched scripture more fervently than ever.
[To hopefully shed light on how to train you up right.]
I have cried more tears - of joy, fear, anger, exhaustion, anxiety, insecurity, and laugher.
[Only to find that I'm helpless and often just a mess.]
I have smiled and laughed at mundane moments that normally would not catch my eye.
[The way 'you do you', if only I'd had a clue...
that while parenthood can sometimes be nothing of what I wanted, it is every time, every thing that I want. In the most imperfectly perfect way, your existence brings me to the ultimate place of humility, and to finding that I am desperate for Christ on a minute-by-minute basis. I can do nothing good. I am nothing good. Thankfully, among other things for your sake, He lives in me. The times you see the best mama is the times He is moving through me to get to you.
So pay attention, sweet boy. When your mama is failing, please give me grace.
I will try to remember to apologize and do better.
One thing I do know is this: Christ is in me and, because of that, I know that some days I will get out of the way just enough that His light will shine through to you. My prayer is that you see those times, know it is Him, and learn to trust in the only One who will never leave you or let you down. I ask that I may be pushed aside often, reflecting His light to you as much as I can. Lean in. Watch closely.
Inside your broken mama is the King worthy of your worship and praise.
He is calling you, Harrison, by name.
He longs to be in relationship with you.
At the end of my time here, with all of my parenting successes and failures, my only hope is that you've seen Him, and that you remember that the good days with mama were because Jesus lived in her heart. The invitation is open to you, and Lord willing, you'll RSVP with a big "YES"!
My role as your mama is to reflect Him.
So happy mother's day to me... and may you have a happy Father's day every day of your life.
I love you,