Saturday, June 30, 2018

confession.

im trying to make my house clean. organized. get all the things where they need to be. it feels paralyzing right now. i feel like i pass day after day and our home is the same, if not worse because of the life lived in it. and how horrible!? the "life lived in it" is making my goal 'worse'. on the one hand, my aim to achieve a clean, organized, cozy home is a beautiful thing and a wonderful gift to my family. on the other, right now, it is being served to beat me up. i'm really not sure anyone else in the family is suffering from this mess like i am, so why is it bothering me so much?? 

i'm so tired. achy. weary from the late nights, coughing/fussy children, and the lifting of 35 and 13 pound bodies over and over. yet any moment i gather a sliver of the energy i have in me to try and improve my home, my mess.. one of the kids again needs something, or simply wants something. and i get frustrated. i cuss. i'm angry. they are obstacles to my clean home. 

i want my home to be clean and organized because i want everyone i love, harris, harrison, and ann catherine to come home/be home and feel safe, loved, comfortable, and filled with joy. WOW. so my goal is great, but in the journey towards that goal, i'm causing unsafety, i'm not loving them well, we're all uncomfortable, and i wouldn't say that we're exactly full of joy here when i act this way. as a matter of fact, often in my frenzy to clean, i do so in such a hateful, tornado-like way. i'm destructive to the very relationships i seek to build, develop, and nurture. 

as a mom, i want to be soft, loving, safe, and a kindhearted guide with boundaries that serve to protect and nurture the hearts of those i have been trusted to care for. my whole purpose in this one life i have been given is to show Jesus. to talk about Him. to 'be' Him. to help my husband and my children desire Him above all else. 

why do i get so mad when my plans for the day are thwarted? by little hands, little voices, little cries. by a loving man who serves and sacrifices for me every day. mad? this is the very life i have dreamt of having! this is what i fervently prayed for and i'm letting mess get the best of me. 

the things in our home, our possessions, are not ours anyways. we're stewarding them. and while yes, my heart's desire is to steward those 'things' well, good grief the deeper, no, the deepest groaning of my soul is to steward the hearts of my loved ones well and to be a light in their world!

this mess will not define my day, my worth, my value as a wife and mother. i am told more than any other thing by my kindhearted husband that i am a great wife and mother. how dare i deny that truth and live in lies and in darkness? how dare i step away for one second more from living and loving mine well with all of the energy i have been given.. because that bit of energy is given to me just in the same way as the tiny humans i now have the blessing of caring for, and for that purpose.

my hope is that my children remember me as someone they could always come to, rest in, confide in, and feel loved and accepted by. God gave me Jesus, His only Son, His Joy.. He turned His face away from Jesus for me. So I -  a selfish girl who is overly concerned about her 'mess' and her performance and what she is not doing or does not have in comparison to others - could live with Him forever. as a prisoner to image and worldly desires, my punishment is separation from Christ, separation from others. the ransom for me was paid while i accused and demeaned the One paying the price. 

as an undeserving girl of the Gift given, the least i can do is not allow my messy home to get the best of me as a wife and mother - two roles i was abundantly blessed with and, again, undeserving of. the ramifications of such thoughts and behaviors reach further than i care to imagine,  and thankfully the Lord brought me to a 'bottom' of this perspective in some way so i'd stop my frenzy, word vomit on my computer, and seek Him in order to sort it out, gain His eyes for the situation, and turn back. it's not too late. 

it's never too late. 

here i go. 

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